A Tangled Web
by TwilightSparklyEdwacob
Summary: Bella has always known what she wants...until now. She's into Edward, isn't she? But why is Jacob looking so attractive? And why are Edward and Jacob holding hands? Why do suddenly neither of them seem to want Bella Swan, Hooker Extraordinaire? Crack!Fic
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

It was late… and Jacob and I just finished sex. I knew Edward would be jealous. That's right. I'd have sex with a werewolf just so Edward would notice me. I could feel his stare on my bare back, but that might be because owls were common in Forks. Jacob smiled at me, flashing ridiculously white teeth. But they weren't pointy enough for me to be attracted to him, so it did nothing for me. Our sex only lasted for 10 minutes. He was NOT good in bed. Well, at least not as good as me, Bella Swan, the hooker. Jacob wasn't paying me though, I was letting him do this free of charge. I knew he'd always had a bit of a flame for me, and so I decided to give him a whirl. As he moaned I rolled my eyes. He was now *POOF* not a virgin. I, of course, had done it with Eric, Mike, Tyler, and the creepy gym teacher. Unfortunately, the high school boys couldn't afford more than a hundred bucks, so I only made three hundred, which for me is disappointing. The gym teacher though, was more than willing to pay me the money I deserved – one hundred and _ten _dollars. God. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a white, pale, muscular figure sitting on the window.

"Edward, you found me!" I exclaimed, sitting up and leaving Jacob completely blanket-less. I threw myself at Edward's still form and peppered his neck with kisses. "I missed you. How was hunting?"

"What the hell, Bella?" shouted Jacob. I had then realized that he must be cold. I handed him back the blankets and turned to face my beloved vampire.

Realizing I was naked, I took off Edward's shirt and wrapped it around me. "So… You must REALLY want me right now." I looked at him, trying to raise my one eyebrow, failing miserably.

Edward stared at his chest, completely shirtless, and then glanced at me. "I guess. I mean, after all, you are a bit of a slut. And it would just be weird for me NOT to want you."

"So, you wanna play?" I tried to wink attractively at him, but instead I blinked both eyes, and he stared at me strangely.

Jacob was starting to feel uncomfortable. I knew this because when I turned around to look at him, he was no longer in bed, and instead was racing for the door, my blankets still wrapped around his waist. "WAIT!" I ran for the door but tripped over Edward's extended foot.

I got up casually, but Edwards shirt came off me, so now I was butt naked. "Jacob, we can always have a threesome, you would be invited to join us you know" Jacob stared blankly at me. Edward had a repulsive look upon his face, and I was the only one smiling hopefully.

"He is not invited," Edward snapped rudely. He crossed his arms across his bare chest like a spoiled brat, still resting in my windowsill. "It's either just me and you, or you and him."

Jacob furrowed his brows, thinking deeply. "How about just me and Edward." Jacob made a sexy growling sound at Edward. Edward winked. Was there something going on here? I always thought I was the one they would fight over.

Jacob dropped my blankets on the ground and strutted up to Edward, who backed away. "Come here, Eddie. I know you want me. I know you've _always _wanted me."

Edward shook his head and pointed in my direction "No. Not at all. I want Bella, not you. So there." Edward stuttered.

I stuck my tongue out at Jacob. "Told you so!" But Jacob kept walking towards Edward in a sexy way. Edward looked nervous and looked frantically at me. I shrugged. Jacob soon reached Edward and threw him onto the bed.

Edward bolted for the door, but Jacob growled and shook his head. He held Edward down as I watched, amused. I have to admit. This was hot.

"Black, you better let me go."

"Nope!" Jacob sang happily as he stroked Edward's hair.

"Seriously, Jake," I said, shaking my head at him. "This was cute for about ten seconds. Please let him go so we can have sex." Jacob took his pointer finger and put it gently against Edwards freezing cold lips.

"Hush little baby don't you cry, Jacobs gonna rape you, but you won't die."

Edward shot me a pleading look, and I couldn't agree more. "Jacob, shut up. You can't sing at all." Edward rolled his eyes.

"Let me go, mutt." Edward opened his mouth wide and flashed his teeth. "I'll bite you if you don't."

Jacob's hand migrated to Edward's six-pack. "You're so…..muscled," he moaned, nipping at Edward's ear.

I knew I had to do something. Then I remembered! The pole stripper classes I had taken back in Phoenix! I grabbed the post next to the bed and started dancing. Pole style. I caught Jacob attention.

He seemed to consider something for a moment before grabbing my arm and throwing me down beside Edward. He glanced at me. "You are too cute."

I nodded in agreement. "I know. Now kiss me." I wrapped my arms around his neck and we made out passionately for a few seconds, giving Edward time to escape. He leapt through the window and disappeared into the forest. But now I was stuck with Jacob. I kicked him in the balls and he ran out the window whimpering.

I sighed, lying back in bed, alone at last. "All in a day's work."

**The End **

**(for now)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2 Jacob and Edward? Together! **

The next day I was walking to school when I saw Jacob… with someone? But who was it? I glanced in seeing that it was Edward! And not only that they were WALKING together, but they were HOLDING HANDS! I gasped in complete shock, for as last night, Edward was trying to get away from Jacob! I saw them turn their heads toward me, so I hid behind an old oak tree. I peaked my head to see what they were doing now, and they were smiling, talking and still HOLDING HANDS. I wondered what they had done last night when they had left my house… Could it be…. could it be that Edward Cullen, and Jacob Black had a ONE NIGHT STAND?

Later in bio, I was scribbling down the answers to my worksheet questionnaire in a hurry. Edward was sitting next to me, trying to avoid my glances in his direction. It got to the point that I just couldn't take it anymore.

"Did you sleep with JACOB BLACK?" I exclaimed, standing on top of the desk. Apparently, the whole class had heard me because everyone was looking at Edward in a repulsive way.

He whipped around to face me, his eyes blazing. "Of course not! Why would you say such a thing?"

My jaw dropped. "WHY? BECAUSE YOU WERE BEING NICE TO EACHOTHER, THAT'S WHY! BECAUSE YOU WERE HOLDING HANDS IN THE PARKING LOT!" I was so caught up in the matter that I didn't even realize that the teacher had been yelling at me to get off the desk and stop screaming private complications to the classroom.

I sat down in my seat and crossed my eyes. I decided not to listen to the teacher's lecture. That would teach him. I pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote a note to Edward. I wrote:

_Edward – Why would you do this to me? I thought we had something great. I guess I was wrong. I still love you – Bella._

I looked at him waiting for him to respond… time passed and he still did not respond. I kicked him in the shin.

"OW!" He screamed like a little girl. He finally got the message and wrote a note back.

_Bella, I still have feelings for you, but Jacob and I can relate to one another… So right now, I don't think that we should be together._

"What the hell does this say?" I poked Mike Newton in his fleshy shoulder and passed him the note. "Can you read this?"

He nodded and whispered the words in my ear before glancing at Edward strangely.

"WHAT!" I clapped a hand over my mouth and turned to glare at Edward. "What is your problem, Edward-o? First, I do everything I can to get your attention. Then you suck poison from my skin to avoid being with me forever. Then I try to get you to have sex with me. First you say no, but you give in eventually. I love you, honey-kin!"

He reached for the piece of paper and ignored the class's blank stares.

Bella, Jacob is better in bed than you.

Okay, now I was really mad. I was Bella Swan, hooker extraordinaire. Edward couldn't play me like that. I turned to him. I had to show him how good I really was. This was the fate of our relationship. I grabbed his face and started making out with him. I didn't care if the whole class was watching strip down naked, this was my time to shine! After about ten minutes, the teacher grabbed us apart. What I was wondering is why he let us go on like that for so long. Now I knew, he wanted some of this action too.

"Come 'ere, you," I murmured seductively. I grasped at Mr. Nelson's bowtie and yanked him towards me. "Do you want some of this?" I gestured to my curvy body.

His eyes widened. "Oh, yeah."

"Uh-huh. I thought so." My fingers trailed down his chest and to his buckle.

He started to moan, but I really didn't care if the whole class was watching. I could tell they thought this was WAY better than bio.

Edward pouted at me. "You like Nelson better?"

I began to unbutton the teacher's shirt. "Why do you care?" Tears welled in my eyes. "You have Jacob now." As I took undid the teachers belt buckle, I took off his pants. He smiled at me. But then I began to wonder… How old was this dude?

I licked his chest. "How old are you again?"

He stroked my hair and stopped to think. "Um, like sixty five I think."

"No wonder you're so horny!" I removed my tongue from his chest. "You haven't got any in like a bazillion years!"

I got off of him and put my clothes back on. It was over. My point was proven. Edward stared at me. Clearly jealous.

He scribbled something down a piece of paper.

Dear Bella, your point was not proven.

"What does this say?" I asked Mike Newton, but he only stared at me in shock. He was still flabbergasted as if he did not know what I was capable of.

"Fine," I sighed, squinting to make out Edward's girly handwriting. I turned to him, surprised. "'_Dear Bella, your loins were not woven_'? That doesn't make any sense at all, Edward!"

**The End**

**Till Next Time  
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	3. Chapter 3

**Jacob and the Mysterious Romantic Evening**

I was very excited. Today was me and Jacob's five day anniversary and he had been planning a surprise for moi.. Although I wasn't really sure if I was with Edward-o still, Jacob was being a cutay pie by planning me dis surprise. I knew I had to make a decision soon of who to pick and so far, Jacob was winning.

Earlier I had discovered a gorgeoouuuuss note in Edward's underwear drawer. It was beautiful, full of glitter and rainbows (Jacob knows that I love rainbows especially). It said:

_You know I love you sweetheart. Meet me at the warehouse for some fabulous lovin'. _

_SWAK,_

_JakiePop_

He must have found out that I went through Edward's underwear drawer a few times every week.

I, of course, immediately went home to pamper. I set a bubble bath and filled the water with dog biscuits. For some reason Jacob really got _excited _(if you know that I mean) when I smelled like puppy chow dog cookies. I lay in the bath for hours, until my skin got really pruny like a raisin. I also tried to shave my legs, but my razor was all rusty and I cut myself with it. They were still bleeding when I got out of the tub to put on my sexy police outfit I bought at PARTY CITY.

I bled through the risqué top part of the costume cause I was trying to shave some hairs that were mysteriously growing on my left nipple. But I think that only made me look more policey like I got shot or wounded. Good thing I wasn't doing it with Edward tonight!

He would probably try to drink my blood by sucking on my boob. Not that that wouldn't be pleasurable, but I was more in the mood for something doggie style.

Edward never really knew HOW to have sex. I think that's why he always refused to do it with me. He was too embarrassed. I mean, when you suck on my boob, milks gonna come out, not blood. If he wants some blood hes going to have to go farther south when its my time of the month. Jacob on the other hand was very rough. Sometimes he even reminded me of me and my dog when we were fooling around. But then I remembered I didn't have a dog… Who was that dog that always came in my house to fool around with me then?

But, on the other other hand, Edward had a bigger penis than Jacob I think. Maybe when I go to Jacob tonight I can measure him to compare and contrast. Where did I last put my tape measurer?

It was time to go. I walked down the street with a sexy police man swaggy. I pushed my left boob up so a little nipple was sticking out. Now I looked like a bloody hot mess who had been on such a dangerous mission that my nipple fell out! As I came near Jakes house, I saw Edwards gay silver Volvo in the driveway..

Now that I knew Edward was there, I needed to change my outfit. I adjusted my top so that not one but TWO nipples were showing. Sharing is caring, after all. I walked up to the warehouse and rang the doorbell. I screamed each time the doorbell went off to make sure Jacob heard that I was there.

I heard Jacob from the inside say "Did you hear that? Sounds like you when we do it up the butt, but if you were a bird."

Edward giggled.

I kept screaming hoping it turned Jacob on or something. Especially if Edward was crashing _my _party. I had to hold Jacob's interest.

What if he decided he liked butt sex better than vagina sex?

"You can have butt sex with me Jacob! I wuv you."

I started to cry. My snot ruined all my carefully applied makeup.

"BELLA? Is that you? And NO you don't have Edwards muscular man butt. Yours is all flabby and there are stretch marks on the left cheek. Plus, yours always has poop in it and then it gets all over my penis. Edward is CLEAN."

He was right. But only about the poop part.

"I THOUGHT YOU LIKED THE POOP PART! When you're a werewolf at least you do…"

"That's only because you had eaten caramel apples that day. I _like _caramel apples. Now go away, we were just getting to the good part. OH YEAH, Edward. RIGHT THERE!"

It was time to be a real police man now. I put my nipples back in so they wouldn't get hurt. Then I kicked the door open (even though it was already half way open, I still kicked it open). I ran in to find them doing things I never wish to see again. At a glance I saw Jacob licking Edwards stick. They were sharing the same popsicle.

"TOO FAR" I shouted. _Dear god I can even be sexy with my nipples out of sight! _I thought to myself.

"YOU KNOW THAT CHERRY IS MY FAVORITE FLAVOR!" I charged straight for Jacob and Edward and grabbed the popsicle. There was only one bite left but it was delicious. It tasted like Edwacob. I smiled at them both.

"Any more left?"

They both looked at me disappointedly, I guess they were mad that I ate the last bite, which is as everyone knows, the best part.

At this point, my costume was sort of falling apart. I guess I couldn't have expected anything better from PARTY CITY. Also, my boobs were just so huge they couldn't be contained by cheap fabric.

I tried ripping the top off in a sexy way those buff men do on tv, but it wouldn't rip all the way off, so I asked Jacob for some scissors.

"Why can't you just take off your shirt like a normal person, Bella?"

"You don't understand, that wouldn't be sexy. None of you understand!"

I started to cry once again, at the lack of Jacobs knowledge on sexy.

"Alright, alright! Here are some scissors. Jesus."

I grabbed the scissors from him, then cut the rest of the shirt off, leaving me in my sexy hello kitty bra.

"Bella, what did you do to your chest?" Edward said disgusted.

I had gone a little out of hand with the razor, leaving me covered in scabs and weird pimply things.

I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. "God, Edward. You're so stupid with your vampire chest. Just because you're prepubescent and don't have chest hair, doesn't mean we all are. Would you have preferred my hairy nipple?" He gagged a little and I squinted. "DIdn't think so."

Edward was looking at me up and down and then he stopped and stared at my legs, hairless and hot as tits, you could see in his eyes how badly he wanted me.

"Bella… Maybe you should go to the hospital… there's a huge gash on the side of your leg…"

"NEVER." I looked at my leg. It was pretty gross. There was white stuff oozing from it. "Jacob, I told you not to cum on my leg anymore. Bad dog!"

Jacob looked away, embarrassed and little ashamed…

Edward saw him and screamed… "WAIT, YOU MUT, IS THAT PUS OR IS BELLA ACTUALLY RIGHT FOR ONCE"

I winked at him. "You'll never know." Then I laughed really wickedly and sexy like. My voice sounded raspy like it does whenever I gave that dog a bj. But then a lot of blood gushed out of my leg and my vagina and I collapsed.

"Jacob, hold me back, I can't control myself around her when she has her period!" Edward screamed, he did love his uterus lining.

Around who knows when, I woke up in an unfamiliar place, and it smelled like old people, so naturally, I screamed.

Then some old fat bitch came in asking me if I was alright, I told her no, and that she should probably go take a shower or use some better deodorant or something.

She sort of stared at me for a minute and then I decided to break the silence, so I bitch slapped her. She shrieked, I guess surprised at how much uMF I had, then she slapped me back! So I slapped her again. Then she stared down at her chart. "YOURE BELLA SWAN?"

"Yeah. Who's askin'?" I said with my best detective voice.

"Im Jacob Black's mother."

"Well, 'Jacob Black's mother' Where the hell am I, and why did you kidnap me, what do you want? I don't have your precious son, he's with his new gay lover, Edward-o, so go snatch his ass up, I don't have anything you want."

"What the hell are you talking about? You're in the hospital Bella, apparently you passed out from a loss of blood. I work here, you can call me Nurse Joy."

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, AM I TRAPPED IN THE POKEMON NINTENDO DS GAME AGAIN? NURSE JOY, WHERE IS ASH, HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HELP ME GET BACK TO MY WORLD."

"Oh lord, Bella, no, you are on earth. I'll call Charlie. I think you should get some more sleep, press the button on the handle of the chair if you need me again."

"If I need you AGAIN? Bitch, I never needed your ass in the first place! Now scram, hoe."

I was a 10 on the sass scale at the moment.

About 15 minutes later, old fat bitch came back into the room. Once again, she came in without my consent or request.

"Bella, you have a visitor."

"BRING EM' IN, OLD HAG!"

She sighed, then brought in the mysterious figure, who limped in, looking like he had just been in a scruff.

"Bella… I need your help….Jacob-"

"IS PREGNANT?! I TOLD YOU TO USE PROTECTION, EDWARD-O!"


End file.
